Selamat Hari Lahir, Emak

Hari ini, 13 Julai adalah hari ulang tahun kelahiran Emak.

Emak kesayangan kami yang telah meninggalkan kami lebih 20 tahun lalu akibat kanser.

Mengenang Emak, aku gagahkan diri menulis tentangnya melawan penyakit tersebut untuk dimuatkan dalam antologi Projek Lavender yang diterbitkan oleh Dua Penulis PLT.

Pelbagai perasaan bercampur-baur walaupun telah berkali-kali mengulang baca.

Jika Emak masih ada, 78 tahun umurnya. 

Semoga diampunkan segala dosa Emak, dan ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang beriman di syurga.

Happy birthday from afar, my Dear Mother.

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Missing You, Emak 

My dear mother, was a sufferer of Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma (NHL), a type of cancer that originated from human lymphatic system. Lymphatic system is a part of body’s immune system, which helps to fight infection and other types of diseases.

This system also playing an important role in facilitating body fluids to move smoothly in our body. In the body of a NHL’s patient, the tumour grows from lymphocyte, a type of white blood cell that duplicate itself multiple times uncontrollably.

When talking about chemotherapy, my mind will immediately thinking about Emak. If other patients discharged from ward because they got better, but not her.

Every time she completed the treatment and was allowed to go home, she will become weaker than before. She always nauseated and vomit frequently. Her lips cracked, the throat was sore and swallowing food was so hard.

Looking at her each time, like that, only Allah knows how it hurts us so much.

Her head was thin on top due to extreme hair fall. The eyebrows were almost gone. She started to lose weight drastically, with only the skin and bones left. She depended mostly on Complan nutritional drink because she cannot take in solid foods. Besides Complan, she can take some soft foods, if only she has the appetite.

Since Emak has been diagnosed with NHL, the hospital has become our second home. Ayah and I taking turns looking after her in the ward. Kakak was in the United States furthering her studies and Abang was in Polytechnic.

Emak received treatments from three different hospitals, namely Penang Hospital, Butterworth Hospital and University Hospital (now known as Universiti Malaya Medical Centre, UMMC). I am not really sure why she needs to be referred to more than one hospital, maybe because of the oncologist available.

Being a caregiver as early as 12 years old, I never take this as a burden, instead I feel blessed to look after my mother myself. Around that age, I have already started doing basic house chores and manage myself and my younger brother.

Emak taught me how to cook simple dish. Some cooking tips I learnt from Ayah. The rest, I learn on my own. Once she requested a homemade vermicelli soup while in the ward. She asked me to prepare myself and passed me the recipe. It was my first time making that dish. The memory remains even though she had it a few spoonful only.

Schooling days for me and Adik went as usual. Kakak and Abang still continue with their studies. Abang will come home during semester breaks and we will take turns looking after our mother.

Adik and I still go to school even though during Emak’s visit to the hospital, when Ayah need to bring and look after her in the hospital. We will then stay at our cousin’s house, next to our house.

I learnt to be independent since Emak got sick. I will do things on my own without bothering other people.

I was once wish to be a doctor. Supposedly to treat sick people like my mother. I know very well that to be a doctor, I have to work hard to get excellent result.

I want to be like Kakak. If she can do it, of course I can do it too. Because of that, whatever it is, Adik and I still go to school. Ayah will make sure we continue schooling even though he was struggling with Emak’s condition.

In 1994, I sat for UPSR. I never take up any tuition classes except for additional classes conducted by the school teachers. I know I will sit for my first big examination in my life. Looking after a sickly mother is not an obstacle, in fact I took it as a challenge to succeed. I want to make her proud and get the opportunity to witness my success.

Alhamdulillah.

I managed to score 4As in UPSR and it was my greatest gift to her before she finally left us few months after that.

Being a caregiver in the hospital was one of my memorable moment with Emak. Well, that way, I can spend the whole day with her. If she wanted to go to the toilet, I will help her push the IV drip stand. If the bedsheet get wet or dirty, I changed it myself with the freshly cleaned one taken from the pantry. If she was unable to go to the toilet, I will wipe her skinny body with wet towel.

When it is time for pills, I would pass the tiny plate filled with them for her. During mealtime, usually I will be the one who finish the hospital meal. At night, I will lie down on the couch next to her bed. That couch will be returned each morning.

I still remember my hobby while in the ward. I really enjoy writing and sketching. I always bring a note book and pen there. I will jot down everything that crossed my mind. Either it is about doctors, nurses and diary. I sketched what I saw – especially the medical instruments around me.

Occasionally at night, I stood gazing out of the window from Level 12. The sky was amazing and the highways were still full of vehicles.

Once Emak lose her appetite and asked me to get Chicken Mayo Sandwich from Dunkin Donuts kiosk at the lobby. After having few bites, she handed the remaining sandwich to me to be finished.

While in the ward, when she had some energy, she wrote a letter to Kakak. She always enjoy writing and storytelling. Sometimes a piece of aerogram would not be enough. The same goes to Kakak as well. Usually Emak will get a few pieces of aerogram from her.

There was no e-mails or social media back then. We have to wait patiently for one or more weeks to receive any news. Even to use the phone, the charged bills was so expensive. Therefore, aerogram has been a great connection between Kakak and her family here.

It is good to see Emak’s happy face upon receiving letters from her beloved daughter. Sometimes we also insert some news or cards for her.

Throughout the treatment, alhamdulillah, so many relatives and family friends offering their help. They will look after Adik and me, when Ayah had to bring Emak for treatment or visiting her at ward. Emak, who is a teacher also then being transferred to the school closer to the house for easy access and lighter the burden.

I have lost count on how long we have been living with routine when she was at home-admitted to hospital-went back home-work-admitted to hospital again and the process continues. Maybe it was four or five years passed without us realising it.

My mother was still in service and get leaves when she needs to undergo chemotherapy. I never count on how many chemo cycles she needs to complete. But one thing for sure, it is so painful.

Even though chemotherapy is to shrink or destroy the cancerous cells, but the side effects to her, when thinking about it, it hurts.

Her arms full of needle marks. The scars were from IV drip, from taking blood samples, from the operation for cancerous cell sampling (biopsy). She has become so thin and sickly.

There was a moment when Ayah decided to bring her home after few cycles of treatment. I was less certain about what had the doctors discussed with him, or the real situation of her health condition. But later she called her children in one by one starting with Abang. I do not know what she told Abang that makes him rushed to the washroom next to the bed right after that.

One thing for sure, despite her poor condition, she definitely be going home. Within that period, I remember she tried some alternative treatment too. After one week at home, Emak who was so ill when we brought her back, surprisingly got some appetite, her face looks so bright and glowing. We were so pleased seeing her small improvement. Little did we know, those were actually the signs that she will leave us soon, forever.

While Ayah looking after her, he was also struggling with his own health. He was a diabetic. Once, both of them were admitted to UMMC. Ayah was in the sixth floor, while Emak in the 12th floor. I took turn visiting both of them.

Ayah was admitted due to his skin grafting operation. He used to have a huge round lump of pus at the back of his body. After the removal of the pus, it left quite a big hole. Then a piece of thigh muscle was scraped and put on the wound hole. Later on, he also needs to attend follow up treatment. However, he stays strong and positive, for the sake of the family that needs him.

Though Emak lost her fight in the end, I believe she has fought hard until her last breath. 

She’s a fighter.

She left us with beautiful memories and fighting spirit.

Honestly once, I am more willing to have my sickly mother, who went in and out of the hospital frequently – as long as she is right before my eyes. I can see her every day, look after her and be by her side all the time.

After all, we know that all of us human belongs to Allah. Nobody can challenge the love of Him though you feel your love are endless.

Emak returned to her Creator on the early morning of 24th of November, 1994, while we were just fell asleep, tired. She passed away peacefully in Abang’s arm.

She was the only child in her family. My grandparent passed away too soon, and she was being taken care by her uncles and aunties. In reality, she was an orphan but she was given so much love from the relatives.

After getting married to Ayah, the family got bigger and this extended family helps a lot during our hard times.

Even though Allah let her be with us for a short time only, all memories with her will never fade away. I used to be so strong not to shed any tears when she was laid to rest. As time goes by, after merely more than 20 years since she left us, only then, while writing this piece, tears welling up my eyes.

How I miss her so much.

May Emak rest peacefully in heaven, all her sins are forgiven and she was granted to be among the pious person. Al-Fatihah to my mother and all cancer fighters.

In memory of Allahyarhamah Muzainah binte Zakaria (1947 -1994).

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Aku Rindu Emak

EMAK, penghidap penyakit Non Hodgkin Lymphoma (NHL), sejenis kanser yang berasal daripada sistem limfa manusia. Sistem limfa adalah sebahagian daripada sistem imun badan, yang membantu melawan jangkitan dan beberapa penyakit lain.

Sistem ini juga berperanan membantu bendalir badan bergerak dengan lancar dalam tubuh kita. Dalam badan pesakit NHL, tumor berkembang daripada limfosit iaitu sejenis sel darah putih yang mengganda berkali-kali tanpa kawalan.

Terimbas di fikiran apabila bercakap tentang kemoterapi. Jika orang lain dibenarkan keluar dari hospital dengan kesihatan yang beransur baik, sebaliknya bagi emak.

Apabila selesai rawatan dan dibenarkan pulang ke rumah, emak menjadi lebih lemah daripada sebelumnya. Emak mengalami mual dan kadang kala muntah. Bibir kering, tekak perit dan lebih sukar menelan makanan pejal.

Sebak dan sedihnya waktu itu, Allah sahaja yang tahu.

Kepala emak hampir botak akibat terlalu banyak rambut yang gugur. Kening emak hampir tiada. Tubuh emak kurus cengkung, menampakkan tulang-temulang. Hanya bergantung makan dan minum pada minuman nutrisi Complan, emak tidak mampu menelan makanan pejal. Selain Complan, emak boleh mengambil makanan lembut. Itu pun jika emak ada selera.

Sejak emak disahkan menghidap NHL, hospital menjadi rumah kedua kami. Aku dan ayah bergilir menjaga emak di wad. Waktu itu, kakak sambung belajar di Amerika Syarikat dan abang belajar di politeknik.

Emak mendapat rawatan di tiga buah hospital. Hospital Pulau Pinang, Hospital Butterworth dan Hospital Universiti (kini Pusat Perubatan Universiti Malaya). Aku kurang pasti mengapa emak perlu dirujuk kepada lebih daripada satu hospital. Mungkin doktor pakar yang merawat ada di hospital berkenaan.

Menjadi caregiver seawal usia 12 tahun, aku tidak pernah menganggap perkara ini sebagai satu beban malah aku gembira dapat menjaga emak seikhlas hati. Pada waktu itu, aku sudah dibiasakan dengan kerja rumah asas serta menguruskan diri dan adik yang berusia 10 tahun.

Emak mengajar aku memasak. Ada juga yang aku belajar daripada ayah. Selebihnya aku belajar sendiri. Paling aku ingat, emak teringin mihun sup semasa di wad. Emak minta aku buatkan dan emak berikan resipi. Itu pertama kali aku buat mihun sup. Kenangan itu melekat sehingga kini walaupun emak menjamah hidangan tersebut beberapa suap sahaja.

Sesi persekolahan aku dan adik berjalan seperti biasa. Kakak dan abang masih meneruskan pengajian. Abang balik ke rumah semasa cuti sekolah. Kami bergilir-gilir menjaga emak.

Aku dan adik tetap ke sekolah. Waktu ayah tiada di rumah kerana harus menemani dan menjaga emak di hospital, kami menumpang di rumah sepupu yang tinggal di sebelah rumah.

Aku belajar berdikari sejak emak sakit. Kerja yang boleh dilakukan sendiri, aku akan cuba usahakan tanpa menyusahkan orang lain.

Aku menyimpan hasrat untuk menjadi doktor. Mahu merawat orang yang sakit seperti emak. Aku tahu untuk menjadi doktor, aku perlu berusaha kuat untuk mendapat keputusan cemerlang.

Aku ingin jadi seperti kakak. Dia boleh, aku pun mesti boleh. Sebab itu walau apa juga keadaan, aku tetap ke sekolah, begitu juga adik. Ayah akan pastikan kami tetap pergi ke sekolah walaupun dalam kepayahan menguruskan hal emak.

Tahun 1994, aku menduduki UPSR. Tiada tuisyen melainkan kelas tambahan atas inisiatif guru sahaja. Aku tahu aku akan menduduki peperiksaan besar pertama dalam hidup aku. Menjaga emak sakit bukan halangan malahan ia adalah cabaran untuk berjaya. Aku mahu emak bangga dan sempat melihat kejayaan aku.

Alhamdulillah.

Aku sempat menghadiahkan emak keputusan UPSR 4A sebelum emak menghembuskan nafas terakhir beberapa bulan selepas itu.

Menjadi penjaga emak di hospital antara kenangan terindah aku dengan emak.

Maklumlah, sepanjang masa aku berada dengan emak. Emak mahu ke tandas, aku pimpin sambil menolak tiang besi yang menggantung IV drip emak. Kalau cadar kotor, aku tukar sendiri dengan mengambil cadar baru di bilik pantri. Kalau emak tak berdaya ke tandas, aku lap tubuh kurus mak dengan tuala basah.

Apabila tiba masa makan ubat, aku suakan piring kecil berisi beberapa jenis pil untuk emak telan. Waktu makan, aku habiskan makanan hospital emak. Apabila malam, aku baring di couch bersebelahan katil emak. Couch yang setiap pagi dipulangkan ke pantri wad.

Aku masih ingat lagi hobi aku apabila menemani emak di wad. Aku menulis dan melukis. Sentiasa ada buku nota dan pen bersama. Menulis apa sahaja yang terlintas. Tentang doktor, jururawat, diari. Melukis peralatan yang aku nampak di hospital.

Pada waktu malam, aku merenung ke luar tingkap wad tingkat 12, melihat langit dan jalan raya yang dipenuhi kenderaan yang tidak putus-putus.

Aku masih ingat lagi, kalau emak tiada selera untuk makan, emak minta aku belikan Chicken Mayo Sandwich Dunkin Donut yang dijual di lobi hospital. Selepas emak jamah secubit dua, aku habiskan selebihnya.

Semasa di wad, apabila emak ada sedikit tenaga, emak tulis surat untuk kakak. Emak memang suka menulis dan bercerita. Sekeping aerogram kadang kala tak cukup. Kakak pun macam itu juga. Berkeping-keping aerogram yang dibalas.

Tiada emel atau media sosial pada waktu itu. Terpaksa menunggu seminggu dua untuk menerima berita. Mahu guna telefon, mahal. Maka aerogram sebagai penghubung utama emak, kakak dan kami sekeluarga.

Terubat rindu emak dan kurang agaknya rasa sakit apabila surat anak kesayangan tiba. Kadang-kadang kami turut menyelit berita atau menghantar kad untuknya di sana.

Sepanjang emak menerima rawatan, alhamdulillah saudara-mara dan kenalan keluarga banyak membantu. Mereka menjaga aku dan adik sewaktu ayah perlu menemani emak di wad, menziarah emak di hospital dan menjaga kebajikan kami sekeluarga. Emak yang juga seorang guru ditukarkan ke sekolah berdekatan rumah untuk memudahkan urusan dan meringankan beban.

Aku kurang pasti tempoh kami sekeluarga hidup dengan rutin emak di rumah – masuk wad – balik rumah – kerja – masuk wad dan seterusnya. Mungkin dalam empat ke lima tahun. Emak masih berkhidmat cuma diberi pelepasan apabila perlu menjalani kemoterapi. Entah berapa kitaran kemoterapi yang emak terima, aku sudah tidak ingat. Yang aku tahu, ia menyakitkan.

Biarpun tujuan kemoterapi adalah untuk mengecut atau memusnahkan sel kanser, tapi kesan sampingan pada emak, apabila difikirkan kembali, pedihnya kekal sampai kini.

Tangan emak penuh kesan dicucuk jarum. Parut bekas jarum IV drip, parut bekas ambil darah. Parut pembedahan untuk doktor ambil sampel sel kanser. Isi tubuh emak hampir tiada, hanya tinggal kulit dan tulang. Betapa susut badan emak.

Satu ketika, ayah buat keputusan untuk bawa emak balik ke rumah selepas beberapa kitaran rawatan. Aku kurang pasti perkara yang doktor bincang dengan ayah, atau keadaan sebenar emak waktu itu. Emak ada bercakap dengan abang, berdua sahaja. Aku tak tahu hal yang emak cakapkan, tapi selepas itu abang terus berlari masuk ke bilik air bersebelahan katil emak.

Yang pasti, walaupun dengan keadaan emak yang makin lemah, emak tetap dibawa pulang ke rumah. Dalam tempoh itu seingat aku emak ada menjalani rawatan alternatif. Dalam tempoh seminggu di rumah, emak yang mulanya lemah, tiba-tiba berselera makan dan nampak semakin sihat. Muka emak berseri-seri dan kami sekeluarga seronok melihat perubahan kecil emak. Kami tidak sedar itu adalah tanda-tanda emak akan meninggalkan kami.

Ayah juga tidak begitu sihat. Ayah menghidap penyakit kencing manis. Pernah satu ketika, mereka dimasukkan ke wad. Aku naik turun dari tingkat enam ke tingkat 12 PPUM, bergilir melawat emak dan ayah.

Waktu itu, ayah menjalani pembedahan skin grafting akibat luka bernanah yang besar di belakang badan. Sedikit otot peha diambil dan ditampal di lubang luka dan ayah perlu menjalani beberapa rawatan susulan. Ayah tetap kuat dan positif, mengenangkan isteri dan anak-anak yang lebih memerlukan.

Biarpun emak tewas pada akhirnya, aku percaya emak sudah cukup berjuang sehingga ke akhir hayatnya. Sehingga ke penghujung, emak tidak mampu hendak melawan lagi.

Semangat dan kenangan emak sentiasa bersama kami.

Jujurnya aku pernah berharap, biarlah emak sakit. Biarlah emak keluar masuk hospital. Asalkan emak ada depan mata. Asalkan aku boleh pandang emak setiap hari. Asalkan aku boleh ada di sisi emak.

Tapi sebanyak mana aku sayangkan emak, tidak boleh melawan banyaknya sayang Allah pada emak.

Emak kembali menemui Pencipta-Nya pada dini hari 24 November 1994, sedang kami baru terlelap kepenatan. Emak pergi dengan tenang di pangkuan abang.

Emak tiada adik beradik. Tok dan Tok Wan aku meninggal awal, jadi emak dijaga ibu dan bapa saudaranya. Walaupun hakikatnya emak anak tunggal tapi emak kaya kasih sayang daripada saudara-mara. Setelah berkahwin dengan ayah, ahli keluarga bertambah dan keluarga besar ini yang banyak membantu sewaktu emak sakit.

Walaupun Allah hanya pinjamkan emak pada aku sekejap sahaja, memori bersama emak takkan pernah padam sampai bila-bila. Dahulu aku cukup kuat untuk tidak menitiskan air mata sewaktu emak dikebumikan, namun selepas lebih 20 tahun emak meninggalkan aku, saat menulis kisah ini sahaja sudah menerbitkan air jernih di tubir mata.

Betapa AKU RINDU EMAK.

Semoga emak tenang di syurga, diampunkan segala dosa, ditempatkan di kalangan orang beriman. Al Fatihah untuk arwah emak dan semua pejuang kanser.

Dalam kenangan, Allahyarhamah Muzainah bte Zakaria (1947 – 1994).

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Kisah ini aku coretkan dalam antologi Projek Lavender : 22 Kisah Pejuang Kanser yang Cekal Melawan, yang diterbitkan pada 2018.

Buku ini telah menerima Anugerah Buku Negara 2019 bagi kategori Buku Umum (Inspirasi).

Teks asal diterbitkan dalam Bahasa Melayu, diterjemahkan ke Bahasa Inggeris oleh aku sendiri.